Dear Ben and Jerry,
We at the Trash Blog are grateful for your commitment to the environment and really great ice cream. We regret that we were unable to spend time together; no doubt you would have found our conversation scintillating.
Given the circumstances we understand that you did not respond to any of our fourteen emails and that it was impossible to return any of our eight phone messages. We have to admit that at first we were a little bit let down by your cold shoulder, however once we put our prodigious intellects to work on the matter it was obvious what happened: we hope you get over your case of extremely contagious diarrhea very soon.
Debilitating diarrhea is a horrible disease and we are sure that had you been able to venture very far from the toilet you would have invited us to a tour of your factory where you would have explained how you send your waste products back to Vermont dairy farmers who use it in their electricity-generating bio-reactors. Had you been able to exercise more control over your sphincter, no doubt you would have also told us about your settling pond where you let your fat-filled wastewater separate before sending it to the municipal system.
Just so you know, we did drive several thousand miles out of our way to visit your factory. We didn’t get any good pictures of ice cream waste and nobody offered us free ice cream. It also rained on us and we got pretty wet while we were walking around your grounds looking for garbage. We recognize that these things are probably minor irritations compared to the fire you are feeling in your bowels, but sickness is part of the human condition: life does go on.
In the interest of full disclosure we will freely admit that, in addition to writing a story about you, we hoped to land six or seven gratis pints of your wonderful ice cream. If by any chance you would like to make good on our hopes, you can contact us at your any time and we would be happy to provide a mailing address.
But the upshot of this situation is that we are writing this sorry little letter to you instead of an award-winning investigatory story about you. We think the world is a little less than it could have been because of this. Anyhoo, no hard feelings. We both send our best wishes. Get well soon.
Margaret and Phil
The Trash Blog