We have decided to go to public libraries so that we can eat at more greasy taco stands.
This is a complex decision based on many variables and computed with exhaustive algorithms. But the simple version is: we need internet access in order to continue providing you, the viewing public, with our awesome posts; we had been frequenting coffee shops advertising free wifi in order to meet this need. The problems we have discovered with this strategy is that some coffee shops have unreliable internet access, others charge extortionate fees for americanos and chocolate filled croissants, and finally, not every coffee shop has a strong enough signal to be picked up in the parking lot when you don’t want to pay for something. Therefore, we are visiting the nation’s public libraries in order to save a buck or two for the greasy taco fund.
The Umatilla Public Library in western Washington was our first stop. The library is shockingly modern considering the desolation of the town at large, though it is combined with the town’s courthouse and city hall. The library also had an incredibly extensive audio book collection, although incomplete because it lacked Dune Messiah.
The Sebastopol Public Library, outside of Sacramento, made us walk fifteen blocks in scorching wind because they were having a blowout book sale that seemed to have attracted every yokel from Northern California, and there was no parking left anywhere near the library. And who the hell knows where the accent goes on the name ‘Sebastopol’? They didn’t have Dune Messiah either.
The Monterey Public Library is pretty big and hopping. Lots of people, lots of books, two stories, nice bathrooms, but no Dune Messiah.
The Fresno Public Library deserves our ire. This damnable hole, this cursed cave of asinine thinking, is probably the most ugly library in the world. The building is boring and uninspired. They had more security guards than books and definitely did not have a copy of Dune Messiah. It was difficult to fill our waterbottle up because their drinking fountain was so small. Their bathrooms were a yucky yellow color and had really rough toilet paper. In addition to all these remarkably awful aspects, they gave us a parking ticket while we were there.
And then there is the Malibu Public Library. Malibu, oh Malibu, what do we say about you? How do you take yourself seriously? Your vast views of the rolling surf, the gentle sea breezes wafting over your spacious patio and through the french doors. Your high tech systems and methods for buzzing people into the bathroom. Your world renowned authors who come to give public lectures. Your extensive collection of audio books that all seem to be written by Danielle Steele and not Frank Herbert and which therefore lacks Dune Messiah. You, Malibu, should not even be able to call yourself a public library: you are a resort-spa with Swedish masseuses.
These are just a few of the public libraries that we have visited. The amount of money we have managed to save thus far is: $4.27. It would be a larger number if we didn’t have to pay the money-grubbing City of Fresno for six extra minutes in their library parking lot.